Be Careful What You Wish For ...

What a draining couple of days I've had.

Friday was complete madness at work. Mad. Ness. We were on lockdown most of the day until we sold enough advertising to appease the powers that be. Lockdown. Can you believe that? We weren't allowed to leave our desks until a specific amount was reached. I just started my fifth year with this particular company, and I've worked in a variety of positions at three locations. None of them have had a lasting positive impression on me (though, surprisingly, the first location was hands down the lesser of these three evils. Whodathunkit?). They invest nothing (money, time or effort) in their facilities, their equipment or their employees. I honestly believed I was making the right decision in accepting this latest job, but the second thoughts are practically tormenting me. Little devils that have infiltrated my brain ... or what's left of it. Job hunting has begun ... again. Sigh.

On Saturday we attended a Jeep "gathering" in northeastern Ohio. I won't say which city we were near, but let me tell you what ... it was a DUMP. Dark, dirty and just plain ole ugly. The Jeep thing was fun; I watched my first-ever mud bog. We met up with Steve's brother and his family late in the afternoon and walked around oohing and ahhing over various bumpers, winches, suspensions, lift kits. Well, they oohed and ahhed (and took pictures). I just stared at stuff and tried to pretend like I knew what it was. That's kind of my gig these days ... stare and pretend. Stare and pretend.

Steve's nephews were pretty excited about the whole thing, which was fun to see. Jacob got to ride on "Sergeant Smash," a giant passenger monster truck. This morning at breakfast, Garrett kept saying "Monster trucks, Jenny! Monster trucks!" I love those little guys. Jacob also said to Steve: "Hey! Where are all your kids?" I'm glad he remembers that he has cousins, as no one else bothers to acknowledge their existence.

All in all, the weekend *was* fun. We stayed in a really pretty suite, had a really nice dinner and a few drinks afterward at the hotel's bar. It was nice spending some quality time with Steve-o, as that had been lacking in recent months.

On the car ride up (and back, to an extent), I kept wondering about what the future really has in store for me. I've been in somewhat of a funk these last few months ... just being really uncertain about my life. I get scared a lot, as things just don't seem to be working out as I had hoped they would. It's no secret that I'm struggling financially, and work ... well, there is definite room for improvement. Most days I want to curl into a ball and either just sleep or cry. It's almost as if I'm being tested ... by God and the people around me. I asked God Friday morning for a calm, peaceful and successful day ... and in turn got "lockdown," an issue with an ad that didn't run, and a late notice on a bill whose payment was mailed well enough in advance. How's that for a really crappy practical joke?

All of this feels very foreign to me. I've done all the "good girl" things ... I've followed the list of expectations to the letter. High school? Check. College? Check. Honors student? Check. Working girl? Check. Kind to others? Check. Giver of second, third and fourth chances? Check, check and check. Putter-upper of shit belonging to and caused by other people? Yup ... check. Where the hell is this karma I've been hearing so much about?

I didn't start this blog to just air my complaints. This is really what's going on in my life right now. I'm working through it the best I can ... just trying to take one day at a time and, as previously noted on this blog, calm the eff down.

So right now, I'm going upstairs, climbing into bed and plugging along through my copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. If nothing else, perhaps I'll learn a spell on how to change all of this craziness.